Not feeling so awesome these days. Started playing some Chopin Raindrop Prelude and got teary eyed from the music so decided to instead work on the blog post for the week. Too many things and nothing at all to talk about all at once.
I'm doing everything I can to avoid crying these days.
Music used to be my way of feeling and expressing my feelings in my childhood. This is a really beautiful piece.
I've very often at times acted like a spoiled brat (actually, many times is what I'm sure many people would say) - assuming that I've personally been responsible for everything that happens in my life. That this is my life. That my successes are my own. I've been built to be a fighter. Is this by design?... I know i have to come clean soon about it and give You the credit, the glory, and the respect. Life's been a whirlwind - and things have been moving so quickly. I know... excuses are excuses. I am fighting so hard... so hard... doesn't that count, too? Doesn't that mean something to You? You know where my heart is (that it's not in the money, it's not in the glory, it's not even in the power... I check myself a lot on that.)
I remember as a kid praying daily, sometimes multiple times a day, the prayer that echoed the theme of: "In Your light...", "In Your Name...", "Use me to do Your work" - and those prayers do echo with me to this day. I haven't been consistent about it. I haven't shared it with others. I've been a coward. I don't know why... I ask myself that often. I don't think I've yet prayed openly and verbally with my own husband. I've prayed with him... just not WITH him. I'm afraid of being rejected and I don't know if I am strong enough to handle that. I know I'm not alone - I've just been a coward for so long... (and so, as a first step, I'm writing this open letter for everyone to see, because my voice is stuck). I don't even think I know how or where to start again.
Meeting DG as an advisor, mentor and friend has been surreal. You've literally placed all of these amazing humans (ST, MK, DG, SM, EC, DT, AN, TC, KC, RM, ...) into my life and in every single direction I look especially in the past 6 months - that are all Christian. I have no idea how this all happened, if this is just coincidence, ... If this isn't a sign, I'm not sure what is. Even the mantra that this company, GiftStarter, shouts sound like your words: Community, Together, People, Human, Share, Others First, Stewardship, Leadership, Relationship, ... So... I see I get I hear I feel You. Okay.
I feel my heart softening little by little. And despite the person I was, the person I have been, ... You've still been investing in me because of the person I may become. Am I crazy? I see her and I don't know if I'm good enough to be her. Really? How's this all going to work out? Hey. When am I supposed to have a baby, a child of our own? I really need help there. It hurts. A lot.
I. Am. So. Behind. ... I can't believe I haven't had a chance to sit down and write a post this week yet - well, I could have last night finally around 330AM, but I decided to go to sleep instead.... Excuses. Anyways - topics at top of mind: Managers versus Leaders, Job versus a Career, Humility, Startup Challenges, and Relationships. Yes, relationships are back in the bucket of topics on my mind - it's been a little while, huh? Yes, I probably have some updates there for you in that department, too. Too many things I could write about I don't know where to start.
I've been trying to get to know G-d again this year and a half (as I wrote in the original blog I started writing in, the All Things Wishful blog), after having lost touch for almost a decade - and the process has been quite interesting, heart wrenching at times, joyful, moving and humbling. This year, with the diligent and kind help of my man, we've been regularly attending church. I've started to realize, that going to church is kinda like a way for a person to regularly date G-d, get to know Him, spend time with Him and the church community. So interesting. So humbling. ... So amazing.
The pastor the other week posed the following that I had never thought of before. It was like mathematical wizardry or a proof that suddenly turned the light bulb back on for me.
A. True. There was a man named Jesus. Historical fact.
B. Prove that Jesus is the son of G-d. He was the perfect man and without sin.
Okay. A is True. Now, to prove that B is true? The question comes down to 1) was Jesus a good guy or 2) was Jesus a bad guy? He can't be both. If Jesus was just a man and not G-d as many religions think, then how can they consider Him to be a good person and a great prophet? How could that be? Jesus called Himself the son of G-d, the Messiah - if He was a just a man, wouldn't that just prove that He's crazy? How does a supposed good prophet going around town calling Himself G-d make Him a great prophet, or the enlightened one? It doesn't - that just makes Him plain crazy. But if B is true, and Jesus is indeed the son of G-d... well then, it'd mean that He's not only a historical figure, but He's really the Messiah. If all the other people who vouch for Him agree that He was a very good man, enlightened, a prophet... then obviously He wasn't crazy. I come to the conclusion: A + B = Jesus was an awesome man and is truly the son of G-d.
This is what's on my mind lately.