I read this recent blog post from a friend and just loved it - so I thought I'd share it with you because: 1) it's quite useful, 2) every woman needs to know how to do this properly, 3) a woman should take the time to take care of herself, 4) it's Halloween, and 5) again, I love beautiful lashes and eye makeup for every day wear. They say a woman is most beautiful on her wedding day - but you know why? It's because on that day, most women put in the effort to look beautiful. Why not do it everyday? It doesn't take too much effort and time (with practice). Be good to yourself on the inside and out.
Thanks for sharing, @Birdie! A Girl's Guide to Faux Eyelashes
Love is between two people - very often, two people with different minds, experiences, pasts, etc... and being two different people, how you take in the world can be different. On top of that, when the relationship is between a man and a woman, you have two different species coming into play (read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, if you haven't already). And say you're in love with him, and he's in love with you - don't you both want it to work? Don't you both want to be happy, challenged, stimulated, enriched, respected, trusted, ... all that good fuzzy warm make your toes tingle stuff?
Hell yea you do. He does. She does. I do. And if you put in the time and walk hand-in-hand to do the work that's involved in the journey, you will be able to enjoy the fruits of your work together. It's true - you get what you put into it. (Now, if he's not that into you - walk away. I'm writing about the scenario where the feelings are mutual. I've had dozens of crushes - but there's no sense in losing yourself and your self-worth over a guy who doesn't see you in that way. Been there, done that = sucks.)
You see failure long before it happens. The scenarios that I see left and right are the ones where one party sees a little black spot, but doesn't mention it until it's too late and the little black spot now is the size of the garage door. I just don't get them - it's literally similar to watching a car drive off a cliff. Suicide. You are at a dinner party for hours with your friends, there's a wad of green spinach stuck in your front teeth - and NO ONE SAYS ANYTHING ALL NIGHT LONG! For serious!? It's just like that. I had a guy friend who goes through women like changing a pair of jeans - out with the old, in with the latest. We were out one night and his girlfriend of the season (and actually, they had lasted a LONG five months together), was in a flirtatious conversation with a guy friend (assumed it was one of his guy friends) - and you could see it on his face that he was bit bothered. He felt disrespected. She kept looking over "checking up" on him to see if he was bothered or not, but kept right on going. She felt like he didn't care. Stop. Yea, childish is right. Usually, not such a big deal with one is talking to another of the opposite sex in a friendly way that doesn't dishonor your boyfriend or girlfriend - but in this situation: he was bothered. She could feel that he was bothered. (...and let's assume none of these actors have jealousy rage issues). Why didn't she just step away for a sec to see if he was okay (tho, I say most guys don't enjoy feeling like they're being pitied)? Why couldn't he step into her conversation and reinforce her value to him? Be her hero. Why not? ... Yea, well, they're not together anymore. They didn't want to be bothered with each other.
Set [yourself, him/her, love, the relationship] up for success. I say, if you sense a contentious scenario approaching, if you sense that yourself/your loved one may be affected negatively, if you sense the ship (aka the relationship) veering off in the wrong direction, steer it back onto the right course. Men - don't be shy, steer away - it's in your genes to be driving. If she respects you, she'll follow and hop on (sooner or later). Note: Women have an uncanny ability to sense when the relationship is strained - call her the navigator, trust her instincts. Respect each other. And I guess, if you find yourself on the wrong ship ... well, you can always abandon ship. That's the thing about life - you do it with all your heart, or you don't do it. There's no wrong decision. Every day is filled with choices - be yourself, be good to yourself, be good to your lover/boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/wife... and set each other and your relationship up for success. The choice is all yours.
Bootstrapping has been my game since I’ve started working on startups – and as you know in July, I was no longer part of the luxurious-salaried-with-benefits world. In an effort to live more frugally and off of my savings, I cut down on quite a bit of my extravagances in dining out and shopping. I consolidated bills, got rid of my Comcast cable TV, decreased my phone plan minutes, rode the bus/walked around town, met up with friends for coffee in lieu of lunch and dinners, and cereal (particularly Honey Bunches of Oats – with almonds)became my blood sugar saver. I still have a bunch of expenses going out the door: rent, food, utilities, gas, biz insurance, health insurance, home insurance, car insurance, …
The past two weeks have been crazier for me since I decided that I needed to hustle (as my very close and talented friend, Kate recommended to me) – and picked up a short term gig to build up more savings via some freelance projects. Time was tight back in August/September as it was, see previous post, but now … time is just flying by in the blink of an eye (another post on managing all the different balls in the air coming soon).
Bootstrapping Tips from a Startup Chick:
Here are some tips I’ve picked up along the way on being a bootstrapped startup chick:
1. Don’t be lazy = take the time to look presentable. Being a startup chick = I can dress with more bang and flair – it means I can now shamelessly throw my colorful persona into my wardrobe. [I’ve actually had colleagues/mentors in the corporate world tell me to wear more grey/black/navy/brown – and less pink/purple/red…. = yes… BARF on that!!!]
2. Going along with point #1, before walking out your front door – give yourself a pep talk if you need to, but always go out into the world with a smile, good posture, and determined confidence. I have this note on my door [see picture above].
3. Get some cheap simple business cards – and lots of them. I’ve already run out – unplanned, so now I have to find time somehow somewhere to go order some more. Woot!
4. Coffee and happy hour are the best times to meet up – and that covers the entire day. Just because I’m on a budget does not mean I cannot meet up and be social. Come on – tea costs under $2 even at Starbucks! Happy hours are going on all over town from 4pm to 2AM.
5. Get rid of the cable TV (saving me $65/month) – I didn’t have time before, I certainly don’t have time now. If I’m going to sit and watch anything pop-culture, it’s going to have been curated and recommended by a brilliant connoisseur of media. This means, all the stuff I should watch will already be on Netflix, Hulu, or something of the like (except Glee – which I can watch a day later online).
6. Walk. Take public transportation. Carpool. And for me… ride the scooter after hours because I can park that cute sucker anywhere. Walking will burn those old calories I picked up while glued to the desk in a cubicle when I was once salaried. Public transportation is convenient – and taking it supports our community’s ecosystem.
7. Don’t be cheap, be smart. Budget = yes, cheap = no. Do the right thing when it comes to your family, your friends, your clients, etc…
8. Join the Walgreens Prescription Savings Club. http://bit.ly/Gi1SM. Serious.
Anyone else have ideas or tips you’d like to share with me?
Arry: Hey, girls - what do you think? Change your name, keep it the way it is, or are you going to hyphenate?
Angela: Hells no, I'm not changing my name.
Jackie: I might, if I find the right guy who makes me want to. Probably not.
Maia: Why can't he change his name? Why do I have to change mine?
Christi: Yea, why do I have to change mine? I'm my family's last heir - I want to carry on my family's name.
Kelly: Only after we have kids, then I'll change my name.
Sabine: He's Asian! I change my name, I'm changing ethnicities! I don't want to be Sabine Cheng!
Jackie: Plus, I got my entire career built on my name, Jackie Smith - I am not giving that up. I got a website, jackiesmith.com!
Maia: Yea, I'd like have multiple personality disorder. Maia Kim... no, no... Maia Jackson ... no, no Maia Kim.
Christi: What about you, Arry?
Arry: Yikes! Honestly, if I choose to marry - I will most definitely change my name for him and our family.
All: What? Really? You? That's surprising....
Okay - we get the drift. So many women are opting out of changing the last name when we marry, but to what cost? (Yes, there are far more women that DO change their name, but this article is addressed to the head strong, independant, sexy, strong, woman who is career driven. Maybe my perspective is influenced by the circle of women I am drawn to and choose to hang out with...) We are talking about women like me, women who represent so many of my friends and their friends - we love our beautiful leather shoes from Italy, our decadent cocktails and dinners, our packed resumes with elite schools and degrees, our sexy brains and our smart witty mouths, ... we are women, confident and taking on the world with our power heels, pencil skirts, and brain power.
But ladies, sweet chickadees, my fellow intelligent women around the world, I implore you to see that the rest of the world, the rest of society, the world of men is not as advanced and ahead as we may think. While your awesome man, boyfriend, fiance, husband may not admit it - and he may actually say he doesn't care or that it's completely up to you, he does. He cares - to most of the men out there, it would mean the world if you took his name when you marry him. Okay, okay - so you need a few more reasons on why you should change your last name when you marry:
1. Like I said before, your man will most definitely appreciate it.
2. When you marry, you are creating your own family - having a common family name is a good thing
3. Especially if you plan to have children. You're creating a family in spirit, in action and in name.
4. It's a sign of respect to your man. (like I said before, man must treasure his woman, she must respect her man)
5. It's a sign of respect to your husband's family, too. Yea, old school - it's true.
6. Respect for your elders, tradition, the pecking order, hierarchy, man and the world of men needs to be restored
7. You love him - after all, you are choosing to marry (and do I dare say, follow) him.
You get the drift. I think this is very important for at least the above 7 reasons, there are more.
This does not only apply to us women - it applies to the world of men. To the world of men, boyfriends, fiances, husbands, ... stand up and own what you believe in (respectfully). Take a stance - stretch out those backs and necks and be the man we (woman) need and want you to be. Do it respectfully. Absolutely, do not think this is the okay for you to disrespect anyone. If it matters to you, stop saying it doesn't! If it will slightly be appreciated and is slightly desired, say so! But realize, that for a woman, changing her name is not just simply changing her name. To the woman I am speaking about, we are giving up our fight as independent strong women and we are taking on a partner whom we love so dearly, we are potentially giving up our identities as Korean (for me), or some ethnicity, we are giving up our own family names, we are taking on new responsibilities and roles as life partners to you, ... we are respectfully putting down our fists to the world we've fought so hard to succeed in, and opening them up to you. We are opening our hands to you, our partnership, and our family we will build together. This is one of the most difficult things for a power heeled woman to do.
I'm sure many of you are nodding - many of you being the quiet complacent man who does not want to upset his wife/lady/girlfriend, ... and I'm sure many of you are shaking your heads... Thoughts you'd like to share with me?
You heard me, workaholic = schmocholic. All work and no play makes you a very boring person. I'll also jump in and say you're probably inefficient, ineffective, playing the game of "looking good" with all of that "face time" you're putting in at the office. You're spinning - making up stuff to do, wasting time, trying to look busy. That's not busy - that's stupid. I've been there, I've seen it - I've even done it. Oooohhh la la, everyone thinks you're a rockstar because you put in 80 or 100 hours at work. Not me any more. I'm way too busy. Recently, my co-founders and I read this great book, Rework and found it to be inspiring - so here's my response to one of the big takeaways from that read.
The busiest people get the most done. I'll give you an example from my own life: high school, for me, was a time when I was insanely busy. Okay - like the other preppy high school kids around, I took all AP classes, played in the school orchestra, enjoyed shopping and eating late night in diners, and baby-sitting here and there to make some extra cash for my shopping-hobby. Unlike many other kids, I also was governor in the class student government, played in both the school orchestra and the New York State regional orchestra, played in our school pit orchestras, had my own string quartet, was the pianist for two churches, was a competitive pianist as I traveled to New York City every other weekend for piano, regularly did (3-4 times a week) and sometimes even taught Tae Kwon Do (black belt), had piano lessons sometime two to three times a week for four to five hours at a time, taught private piano lessons for 8 students (weekly), was part of the math club + speech and debate club, did weekly community service working with the area nursing homes and hospital emergency rooms, worked on huge 5 feet by 5 feet paintings for my special advanced art classes, took care of my younger brother, went to Bible study groups, worked at the Empire State Plaza giving tours of Albany, NY, sang in a choir, and still was in top of the class with my grades ... insanely busy. Yes, call me an over achiever. And that's just an example of a high school kid! I definitely believe this: You want something done, ask one of your busier friends - if they believe in it/you, they will get it done.
Workaholics schmocoholics burn time. The biggest grievance I had (and continue to have) with working a regular full-time corporate job was with expectations around "face-time". I get it - sometimes you put in a little more when you start a new job or a new project at a client site until trust has been built, and your reputation (assuming a good one) is confirmed through solid work output and results. Awesome. But when you have a work environment or culture where people are counting the hours between when you arrive and when you leave, that's plain ridiculous. When you have bosses/management praising those that don't know how to manage their time and that are regularly and normally pulling 55+ hours a week at the office, the place has got issues. That's not busy = that's inefficient. Billable hours my ass - it's inefficiency. The "face-time" aka look for that "butt-in-the-seat" attitude disgusts me. You end up with people creating work, making up work, spinning in circles and spending valuable time on ineffective tasks. If an employee can get the job done in two hours, makes the necessary meetings, gets things done - who cares? Who cares, who cares, who cares!? Again, billable hours my ass. Yes, spikes happen and long hours happen, so make it happen then - but for those who have too much time on your hands where you are counting your weekly billable hours versus another colleague's, for those that regularly do nothing but work 60+ hours a week, ... you got too much time on your hands. Stop counting. Get a life. Go home to your family. Spend quality time with your wife/kids/friends... Put in some time and care for a local nonprofit. Take dancing lessons. Paint. DO SOMETHING!
When you are on your deathbed, will your proudest moments be looking back at the many billable hours a week you were able to put in to make partner at well paying corporate job you retired from a decade ago? There's more to life - so prioritize accordingly. Stop counting and comparing hours, bank accounts, ... do something and make your mark in this world (projects, your family, your friends, whatever you believe in). Make it big.
Yesterday, I had a really interesting conversation with a college friend from decades ago (aka Joe) about how he chose his wife (another blog post on that later) and the struggles they recently went through. I just had to share it with you, because I feel that this is a scenario that so many of us have gone through, are going through, or will go through in some shape or form. Before I begin, note that Joe's madly~ into his wife and super happily married. He truly adores and treasures her (you could see it in his eyes and face when he spoke about her.) I would have never imagined him like this from when I knew him in college...
Anyways, Joe told me about his recent trials and heartaches around the very sour relationship between his mother and his wife - both of whom he loves dearly. They don't like each other. The mother has not accepted his wife. The wife wants to live as far away from the mother as possible. And you know, that this scenario is quite common among many couples (genders can be substituted for another). What's a man to do? Joe wants both of the significant women in his life to be happy - and ideally, they would see the goodness and beauty he sees in both of them. So plan A (and this is sadly the path most men take): he chooses both, and in effect, neither. He spins words and feelings to the mother, then he spins words and feelings to his wife. Joe said he carried this on for nearly six months - and said it was no doubt, absolutely exhausting. Neither mother nor wife were any happier. Both mother and wife felt like he had betrayed them and was not supporting them. He had to pick and commit to it.
Plan B: Joe decided this was not working and decided to choose his wife - and this is the path that few men understand is the choice a man has to make when he commits his love to a woman. You ask her to marry you, you are starting a new family together. Stick up for your choices. If a man is truly committed to his wife, his family, his marriage - this would most definitely happen more often. (Sadly, it isn't.) And the reason Joe chose whom he chose - Joe wisely said, "I already committed to my wife when I asked to and chose to marry my wife. She is my wife, my heart, and my family - there was no other choice." If he had chosen his mother over his wife, like many mistakenly do, in the end, he would lose his wife - that was not the price Joe wanted or was willing to pay. His wife is his everything, his family. His mother respected that decision - Joe is her son, and she will always love him, and now, maybe even respect him more as a man.
This story touched my heart - and opened my eyes. I'm not there yet in my journey, so I can only imagine. Thoughts?
This post was inspired by an article I read recently in VentureBeat, with the same title, "3 Things to Look for When Choosing Your Co-Founders". It's quite eerie and amazing, again, how similar the three things you look for when choosing your co-founder for your business, aka the person you will go into business with – are to the things you ought to look for when choosing the co-founder for your own family and your future, a.k.a. the person you will grow your family with.
1. Choose a “friend” – not because they are your friend, but because they have the right combination of absolute loyalty to you and the team, and die hard trustworthiness and trust in you and the team. Faith. Commitment. When the tough get rough, the bank is in the red and the world seems to be against you, will they stand by you? Will they stick up for you? Trust is an absolute must-have and without it, a deal breaker. Take the time to get to know the person, grow the relationship and the trust.
2. Choose your mirror, not your clone – choose a co-founder with the right combination of skills that complement you and the team. Finding the right combination of skills to complement you – now that’s tricky. You do not want another clone of you – you want someone who has strengths that are your weaknesses, who has some different skills/interests/hobbies than you, with a different way of taking in and processing information, with opinions that add value – AND with the same vision and values as you/the team, of course. If you don’t have the same vision/values – do not proceed.
3. Live in the same city – you have to. As co-founders of a business, you are planting the seeds and the foundation for that future company. So much is lost when you are not spending time face-to-face not only in meetings, but spending quality time bonding (beers, drinks, other sorts of 'hanging out'). And, as they say, something like 70-80% of communication is non-verbal – it’s the facial expressions, the human touch, the body language, eye contact… This one really matters, so don't think that instant messages and Skype-ing will work. Someone’s got to move before you can really start this venture.
Like I wrote before, when someone asks to go into business with you, it’s like a marriage proposal. Think, do I trust this person? Do they trust me? Will they be loyal to me? Do we respect each other? Do they share the same values and vision as me? Does their skill set and strengths complement mine? … and just, do I like this person as a person, a friend, a colleague,… a companion?