startup woes

Arry with pouty face

I think I've misplaced my anti-reality superhero shades.  Have you seen'em?  I don't know what's hit me lately, but I've been feeling down with that "woe is me" feeling.  Overwhelming.  Very vulnerable.  In order to be in and play in the world of start-ups, charging on, embracing change and risk takes a sort of mad man approach to the world - you have to put on a thick suit with a pair of reality blinders like you're wearing your favorite pair of shades that helps make the world a whole lot more palatable.  It's like I've got a really good poker hand, and even if I don't, I'm confident that there's a chance I'm going to win anyways.  It is a gutsy feeling of personal power that you need to have to win in this world, that it's completely possible to make a difference in the world.  To leave a dent in it.  Some days I imagine that the dent I'll make is a dent the size of the moon.  Other days...  the size of a pebble or nonexistent. 

Today.  Pebble.  Yesterday.  Pebble.  I'm thinking, "Really, what the hell are you doing, Arry?...What the hell are you doing?" ... Think about all the money!  ...  Oh my gosh, all that money.  What am I doing...  Oh my.  Really?  Yikes.  Really?  What am I doing?  This is not normal!  Why can't I be happy with a nice stable job, a nice stable income, a normal career, ...  meet a nice man, get married, have children, raise them, bake cakes and cookies, retire, vacation in Florida...  Yea, what am I doing? 

And then it switches to, "If I don't make it, if we don't make it, I'm going to die".  Failure is not an option - one step at a time, one step at a time...  inch by inch, we are going to make it happen.  Make a difference.  Make my life count.  I can do more and I will do more.  Make a dent in the universe that says I AM HERE!  I WAS HERE! 

And then... it's back to moping.  It's an overwhelming brick of fear that hits you smack in the middle of your gut... my heart actually.  Fear.  Overwhelming.  The realization that I'm possibly out of my mind...  And me, how do I deal with these feelings?  I allow myself to mope.  Embrace the negative feelings and fear.  Sometimes it's hours... sometimes it's days.... and sometimes even longer.  Eventually, I shake it off and say those same words back to myself, "What the hell are you doing, Arry"?  Do not waste your life.  Make your life count.  I am not going to take no for an answer - hell freaking no.  This has to happen.  Our team motto at AllThingsWishful.com is, "DO OR DIE!!!!" 

And yes... I know...  "this" is actually multiple balls in the air for me right now (my consulting day job, my AllThingsWishful, my table design patent, ... )...  ... and that is not normal.  I'm not normal.  What is normal anyways?

~Arry