postpartum depression & mental dark places

I saw this image fly by my eyes at about 330AM this morning - and I saved it as a reminder that I want to share/write about this... A LOT MORE ABOUT THIS.

Many of us humans, we have our dark down days.  Some have them more than others.  At my worst, I think I did not leave my room/bed/apartment for weeks.  Some times, the idea of being alive is just so exhausting.  Some times, I am able to push myself into being somewhat functional, going through the motions of a fully productive day - only doing what is absolutely necessary to not let anything blow up.  Other times, I've written long goodbye letters to my husband and family - only to "wake up" and throw it away.  I even daydreamed about getting in the car, alone, and driving endlessly on the highway to just go away from this surreal non-reality reality I was living in. 

I had a really tough time with postpartum depression with our first baby.  Really bad.  I had no idea how bad it was at the time.  Only looking back today, do I realize how deep in the depths of velvety despair I was living in day to day, night after night, month after month.  To help myself with this newest baby who was recently born, I did things differently. 

Five Things I'm Doing Differently with Our Second Baby to Avoid Postpartum Depression: 

1. Proactive Communication (before giving birth) - I told my OBGYN, my husband, friends, and more about how challenging postpartum depression was for me with our first baby.  With more people aware, they can help me when they see me teetering on the edge.  Recently, I woke up.  For some reason, everything felt so difficult.  I sat down on the couch ready to feed our newborn, and tears just started rolling down my face.  My husband looked at me and said, "go put on something comfortable to go outside with.  I'll drop you and the baby off at the mall and you can walk around a little while I do this quick 30 minute meeting this morning."  I started to object - and then something in me said, just do it. The day turned out to be really great because my husband was aware.
2. Lots of Photos - while pregnant, I put up photos all of over the home of wonderful memories, family, and friends.  It's seriously made a difference.  When I'm home, the photos are constant reminders of good memories, loving faces, and comfort that keep me from falling into that dark place too much.
3. Therapy - I see this Phd psychologist/leadership coach quarterly.  Todd.  When he saw me pregnant, in my second trimester, he asked, "did you get postpartum depression with the first pregnancy"?  I said, "yes, it was really bad".  Considering what I was going through last year, he strongly advised me to get a therapist ASAP to start working weekly on building some strong mental foundational tools before the baby was born.  Oh my goodness, SO HELPFUL.  He even looked up a few folks for me to call to find the right fit. 
4. Breathing Room & Forgiveness in Breastfeeding - For those that have not breastfed a newborn baby before, it's REALLY hard.  It's hard to produce the milk - enough milk.  It's hard on the body physically.  There's a lot of pain associated with it.  There's a lot of stress related to it knowing that this amazing adorable innocent human life form depends on you for it.  There's sacrifice - the sleep, the social events, what I can or cannot eat/drink, and then some.  This time around with this baby, we're going with "fed is best".  I've been supplementing with formula from the day he was born.  With our first baby, I felt so ashamed to even go there, so I pushed and pushed to have him exclusively breastfed until about 6 months of age.  I still feel the shame with not producing as much milk as with our first baby - and at the same time, I feel a tiny bit happier and freer.  It's a weird discombobulating feeling.  My husband has been reminding me, fed is best.  Whole generations of humans are and have been exclusively formula fed.  The baby will be okay. I don't know if it's the same for other mothers - my self worth and self esteem daily seems to be based on how breastfeeding is going that day.  
5. Indulging Myself with Food and Sleep - to my heart's content.  It took about a full month before I even allowed my husband to take care of our newborn ALL NIGHT LONG while I slept in the other bed with our toddler.  A full month.  For some reason, I have this innate feeling that it is fully my own responsibility to stay up all night, every night, with our newborn.  I feel an immense amount of guilt letting my husband do that.  I've been learning to let go - with coaxing and coaching from both my husband and therapist.  Sleep is amazing - milk flows so luxuriously and freely after a night of good sleep.  Same goes with when I've had some delicious food/beverage.  Oh, and this time, proactively recruiting help from not just family - but also the community has helped.  I now know what a MEAL TRAIN is!!! 

Having a baby - it's like the whole family getting hit by a bus.  For the mother who just gave birth, it's like getting hit by the bus a few more times.  The physical and mental demands are big - and not knowing any better, I really struggled with recovery with our first baby.  This second baby has been easier in so many ways, and more difficult in other (like having survived the unplanned c-section, that got infected... more on that some other time.)  

Net-net?  
Ask for help.  
Accept and embrace the help.  
Don't add more stress than is really needed.  
​Eat/sleep as much as you can.  
Have strong mental and visual anchors to stay strong daily.

Arry