pickers and pickees

In one of my very recent posts, i love her... because she's the nicest person i know, I promised a post on pickers and pickees, and... here it is!!!  I'm not sure how to quite apply my learning on this for myself to the general public quite yet, but thought I'd at least share my point of view and experiences, in hopes that, ... it'll at the very least be a point of interesting conversation or thought for you. 

For me, as I've told you before, I've always been obsessed in the world of relationships and women (e.g. the women in my family seem to have struggled with this, and I wanted to be different.)  And in my short tenure as an adult so far (let's say, since the age of 18), I've learned a lot about the world of men and women, relationships, and most importantly, myself.  To share some of my takeaways from the past decade or so: 1) age is only a number, 2) color/height/race/weight/religion/shoe size/hairlessness/college/... of a person doesn't make the person and shouldn't necessarily be dealbreakers on their own, and 3) guys like TLC and to feel like they've won a prize. 

The other thing I've (and only recently) picked up on is that the guy that chases me the hardest, is not necessarily the best for me.  Money is a nice-to-have: but it doesn't earn respect.  I dated this one guy that tried to win my heart (and his friends) by pulling out the plastic all the time: any time we went out with friends for dinner and/or drinks he'd take care of everyone.  Any time he got too busy at work, he'd have flowers or gifts sent to me.  Quality time was taking me shopping at fancy stores...  And yes, I know, to many women, that would have been a prize!  But I was dating myself most of the time and all I had was stuff to keep me company.  ...  ...  One guy showed up at my place in college and played the banjo outside the door for hours in hopes that I'd be his girlfriend.  Poems... lots of poems and colorful fall leaves stuffed under my front door.  Trips to exotic places, ...  Crazy smart rocket scientist who sent me many endearing romantic love notes. ... and a tender hearted man who said all the right things at all the right times just to break my heart.  I haven't called many "my boyfriend", ... but the few that I have called "my boyfriend", were the ones that stuck out from all the "noise" or chased the hardest. 

While I still believe in a pretty non-politically-correct view of how a courtship should happen between a man and a woman, (I strongly believe it's the guy, aka the "picker", that should "chase" and put his bid on the table - and the woman aka the "pickee", who either accepts or declines that bid) -- I also believe that a smart woman will encourage a certain man to put that bid on the table, too.  (***Ladies do ~not~ chase.)  LADIES - this is a key point!  I've only very recently figured this one out after looking back and carefully analyzing myself with my BFF, Mina... We decided: 1) yes, Arry, you are obviously playing the role of "pickee" when it comes to relationships and 2) there are lots of guys interested in placing their hats in the ring as "pickers", but the key thing that I was NOT doing is 3) playing the role of "picker" from the hats that have been placed before me.  I was dating the ones that "stuck out from the noise" - the ones that chased the hardest and the loudest were the ones I dated as my boyfriend.  But that kind of intense-heated chasing, as proven by the fact that I was no longer with them, always blew out very quickly for me. 

I needed to PROACTIVELY PICK from the eligible interested guys.  Further, if I saw potential in an eligible guy, a slight nudge to encourage him to pursue was definitely something I needed to do.   This is what I had to do if I wanted to change my track in dating/relationships - do something different.  There's some good learnings in that - as a woman, you get to play ULTIMATE "picker" at the end.  Don't abdicate that opportunity to do right for yourself.  That's what I've learned.  Thoughts?

xo,
Arry