november prayer

Dear Father,

I've very often at times acted like a spoiled brat (actually, many times is what I'm sure many people would say) - assuming that I've personally been responsible for everything that happens in my life. That this is my life. That my successes are my own. I've been built to be a fighter. Is this by design?... I know i have to come clean soon about it and give You the credit, the glory, and the respect. Life's been a whirlwind - and things have been moving so quickly. I know... excuses are excuses. I am fighting so hard... so hard... doesn't that count, too? Doesn't that mean something to You? You know where my heart is (that it's not in the money, it's not in the glory, it's not even in the power... I check myself a lot on that.)  

I remember as a kid praying daily, sometimes multiple times a day, the prayer that echoed the theme of: "In Your light...", "In Your Name...", "Use me to do Your work" - and those prayers do echo with me to this day. I haven't been consistent about it. I haven't shared it with others. I've been a coward. I don't know why...  I ask myself that often. I don't think I've yet prayed openly and verbally with my own husband. I've prayed with him... just not WITH him. I'm afraid of being rejected and I don't know if I am strong enough to handle that. I know I'm not alone - I've just been a coward for so long... (and so, as a first step, I'm writing this open letter for everyone to see, because my voice is stuck). I don't even think I know how or where to start again.

Meeting DG as an advisor, mentor and friend has been surreal. You've literally placed all of these amazing humans (ST, MK, DG, SM, EC, DT, AN, TC, KC, RM, ...) into my life and in every single direction I look especially in the past 6 months - that are all Christian. I have no idea how this all happened, if this is just coincidence, ... If this isn't a sign, I'm not sure what is. Even the mantra that this company, GiftStarter, shouts sound like your words: Community, Together, People, Human, Share, Others First, Stewardship, Leadership, Relationship, ...  So... I see I get I hear I feel You. Okay.

I feel my heart softening little by little. And despite the person I was, the person I have been, ... You've still been investing in me because of the person I may become. Am I crazy? I see her and I don't know if I'm good enough to be her. Really? How's this all going to work out? Hey. When am I supposed to have a baby, a child of our own? I really need help there. It hurts. A lot.

Love,
Arry