[my miscarriage: post 4 of 5] cold diagnosis

So nervous... and so excited before the examination....

This post was written on October 24, 2013.  I appreciate sharing this recent miscarriage journey with you...  especially with the last few posts, it's been really helpful for me to share, let go, and repair emotionally.  Actually, re-reading this post today makes me a little somber - I can hardly believe it's been a little over two months since this all happened.  Remembering the shock of it all...  It was a very rough September - December 2013 this past year. 

Today... we are stronger from the experience.  For that, we are thankful for each other and the gift it is to live everyday a part of something so wonderful, through both the good and hard times.  So lucky to be married to my husband...

Love,
Arry
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On October 22, 2013 - my husband and I went in for our very first OB appointment for our baby.  I was so excited. SO EXCITED!  I made a lunch box at home for both of us and brought it to my husband at the appointment. I got there 15 minutes before the appointment.  By our calculations, we were thinking baby was 7 weeks, 3 days old.  The first half hour was not too bad - we did paperwork, and more paperwork, we met with the nurse that walked us through packets and pamphlets and papers.  SO EXCITED!  I got weighed and measured.  They took a urine sample (my guess is to verify that I am really pregnant.  And you know my story, I took the pregnancy multiple times to be extra sure.).  We met the doctor briefly for about 5 minutes where she gives us a very super high level overview and introduces herself.  She says by my LMP, I should be at 10 to 10.5 weeks along now.  She explains the whole cycle of the egg and how the calculation is made.  We're pretty sure the baby is NOwhere near 10 weeks.  This isn't math - it's nature.  ...

Then we get to what we think will be the good stuff... we do the trans-vaginal ultrasound.  My husband has got his new iPhone 5S (a big deal that he has an iPhone) out ready to take photos of the screen.  About 5 seconds in, the doctor made a funny sound - a concerning sound.  OH G-D... NO....  She clears her throat and restarts the ultrasound.  And the again, concern on her face.  She blurts out, "there's no heartbeat.  There should definitely be one by now, you're past 10 weeks!" .... Uh... say what?  OH G-D... NO.... Then she measures the embryo, and says it looks like it's only 7 weeks along and isn't growing.  PLEASE...  Then she says she needs to get a second opinion and runs to get another physician in.  HOLD ON HERE....  The other doctor comes in awkwardly, stands in the far corner as she redoes the ultrasound in a hurry.  He glances at the screen and says, yes, there is no heartbeat.  WOA...  By 10 weeks you should definitely be able to see a heartbeat.  Sorry about that.  He walks out.  I'm sorry, are you a doctor?  A HUMAN BABY DOCTOR?  WHY ARE WE RUSHING AROUND HERE?  CAN SOMEONE SLOW DOWN AND CONSIDER THAT MAYBE IT'S NOT 10 WEEKS?  OR MAYBE, REDO THE ULTRASOUND A LITTLE BIT MORE SLOWLY AND A LITTLE BIT MORE THOROUGHLY?  SOMEONE HELP US!  WALK WITH US...   No... No... Apparently not.

She asks me to redress and that she'll come in and give us our options.  My husband and I are in shock.  Tears running down our faces.  What the hell is going on?  What just happened?  I mean SERIOUSLY?  My body says nothing's wrong - I've had no fall, no injury, nothing out of the ordinary since the start.  No bleeding, no miscarriage symptoms at all.  So confused.

So the doctor returns and says we have to options.  She believes the baby has been dead for at least 2 weeks now because the embryo looks to be about 7 weeks, and should be at 10.  She says I can continue to wait to miscarry naturally for about a week - HOWEVER, the issue is that she's going on vacation starting Wednesday, so she won't be around to help next week.  She recommends a D&C to remove the baby.  Oh, and since she's going on vacation, the only available time slot is this week, tomorrow in fact, at 7AM.  Wait, what did she say?  I JUST FOUND OUT THAT YOU THINK THE BABY IS DEAD AFTER DOING TWO 5 SECOND ULTRASOUNDS, AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO ABORT THE BABY FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING AT 7AM TO ACCOMMODATE YOUR VACATION SCHEDULE???  .... You gotta be kidding me.  HELL FUCKING NO WAY. 

Yea.  I'm angry.  My husband and I are devastated.  We are worried and sad.  UPSET.  DEVASTATED.  We cry when we leave the office.  We cry in the elevator lobby.  We cry in the car.  I decide to pull myself together and go into the office for a few hours to finish up some work.  My boss makes a small joke about babies (harmless one), and I start sobbing at work.  ...  He says I need to take some time off to regroup - and so I do.  Sob more at home, sob myself to sleep, sob when I wake.  ...  Crying.  Sorrow.  Confusion.  Heartbreak.  Sadness.  ...  And then, it dawns on me.  NO WAY we're doing a D&C this week.  NO WAY.  I need a second opinion from another doctor who'll hopefully take the time to be thoroughly sure before telling us to abort the baby.   I schedule an appointment for next week - one more week, our baby will have more time to grow.  We're not giving up on you little one.

So... baby, hang in there.  Focus on growing.  I'll keep taking vitamins, eating well and resting plenty.  I'm reducing all stress.  I got a massage today.  I'm getting a haircut.  I'm napping.  Next week, hoping for some more light and maybe even some good news.  It's going to be a long 7 days for us.

xo,
Arry