I can't sleep... so I thought I'd write some of my thoughts down. The inner monologue that's been going on today. Spontaneous post that's unrelated to the post I was planning on posting. Hope you don't mind - I'm trying something out for a little while and we'll see how it goes. What am I trying out, you ask?
I've had a really fun past few days. I was feeling quite optimistic about the world, my life, things to come - I still am. Saw a good heart moving movie - The Dilemma (went to the movie with zero expectations, came out of the movie very pleased). Lots of catching up with friends, hosted a small get together, delicious foods, toxic and tasty libations - and today was my "be introverted" day. Quiet time. Apple TV/Netflix time. Nap time. Cleaning time. ... and yes, of course, thinking time. Maybe too much thinking time. Yes, I am working on getting to the point.
Last night was an evening of super highs, and wow, a super low where a demon of mine from decades ago came out at a couple points. I'm shocked, actually - and horrified. Intoxication loosened the rusty lock on that one. I thought I had moved past this demon of mine - I've been consciously working on it for years... with all the different people that have come into my life making an impact on my healing process. (I know, you're wondering what this demon is, but I'm having trouble writing it - so please be patient. I may not be able to even say what it is, because it's quite raw and out today...).
Really, now that this demon has reared its ugly head ... I'm at a loss at what to do: 1) Shove it under the rug again, put a lock on it and tell myself it's fine (that failed, obviously); 2) Go see a therapist of some sort (though, honestly, I don't have a high amount of trust in that system based on my limited experience/knowledge. Yes, I'm afraid to go; or 3) Take the lesson that I learned from an older post I did on letting go - and share/throw all of this out into the public forum - those raw emotions/thoughts that I have as I figure it out with you (though, that's a fiercely personal way to go about doing anything, and very scary to me). So scary. I'm thinking I may opt for #3 for now... try it out. I do know that #1 isn't good enough. #2 ... I don't know. I can't have demons like this showing up uninvited again. I have to really face it - and now.
My inspiration? This morning I was told that I was forgiven, that I was understood and that I am okay. Thank you.