my cocoon

MY COCOON: I have gone through and am currently still going through quite a bit of change in my life.  I'm questioning who, what, when, where, why, and how ...  what am I willing to do, how far am I willing to go, at what expense/investment, and for what result?  Right now, it feels like I am nearing the closing finale to my 4 year stay in my cocoon - and I am doing the final revision putting on the finishing touches to me.  I am refining and working to fine tune the person I am.  Post cocoon?  I will come out knowing and liking the person I am, or rather, pretty darn close to whatever that answer is at the end.  It's probably always going to be a work in progress...

ONE PLOW: The part that I am struggling with that's a big hurdle to my emergence from the cocoon is the idea of letting go - simply letting go and moving forward.  Reminds me something I heard/saw recently - the imagery of a hard working farmer who is plowing his land.  He plows his land in straight rows so he can plant  his seedlings.  He pushes the plow while focused on moving forward - eyes forward towards his next step ensuring a well organized and fruitful plot of land - that's what he wants.  Yes, eyes on the prize.  Now... say he upgrades or gets a new plow.  To reap the benefits of his decision, he has to stick to it (his decision) and literally "burn" the old plow to move forward with the new plow.  If he hesitates and continues looking back at the old plow as he tries to move forward - his lines will be crooked, his plot will be ugly, and he will waste a lot of energy.  ...  The only way forward is to "burn" the old plow and commit to only using the new plow to build and enjoy a plentiful harvest - eyes forward.  I have to let go of all my past grievances against the infamous FF, my father, my headbutts with bosses, my angst in fighting the internals pangs of guilt when not following what I think others expect of me, my duties....  Is it as simple as acceptance, and moving on?  I thought I did that... i thought I've been doing that....  .... haven't I?

I want to just be - be in the present, move forward with all of this weight lifted from my being.
I want to love with all that I am.
I want to let go.

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be. ~Unknown