let's gently kick the ball back and forth

Drew it old school style - using Paint!

I get that my style of communication is often more forward that not, especially for the more laid-back west coasters I live with over here.  My own sibling often gives me feedback that my style is harsh for him to deal with sometimes - but it always comes back to intent.  The people that I consider to be in my inner circle have built that trust up with me - I know that no matter how difficult or shocking something they may say is, without a doubt their intention is good and genuine.  I have to assume that to begin with.  My brother and I always clarify this with each other now as we've gotten better at communicating as "adults".  I love my family and close friends - and I know they love me.  I want to protect and take care of my family and close friends - and I know they want to protect and take care of me. It's interesting the kinds of variety of communication one can have when it comes to giving and receiving feedback - and the kinds of roles people prefer to play. 

Giving Feedback: Everyone wants to play the role of the person giving the feedback.  Unfortunately, usually that is a right that has to be earned with trust.  Of course, even with a trusting relationship, there are better ways of giving feedback and not-so-great ones.  I'd suggest spending a little time framing the feedback conversation before giving it. 

Framing: is to set the mood, the stage, the tone for how the conversation will go.

1. Breathe and focus - Focus on the other person, the receiver of the feedback.  Put them before yourself.  Relay that intention.
2. Be open - Have self confidence to understand the entire story first before pressing in deep with the feedback. 
   
3. Understand that feedback addresses actions of the person, not the person - Understand that there's a major difference between feedback and no-back/criticism.  Feedback address the external factors of the issue: a person's actions, behaviors, or the lack of.  Criticism/no-back talks about the person's character, personality, his or her values.  When I say no-back, that means do not deliver this unless you are prepared for a big fat "no" thrown in your face.  You're really not going to get much out of it - because no-backs are internal to a person and have to be self-initiated.  [Also note: as the receiver, listen carefully to the intent and the the action that is being addressed - it's really not always personal].

Then there's Receiving Feedback: it's funny, very often the people that are so eager to give feedback to others are often the weakest at receiving feedback.  I'd say for the receiver, keep in mind these points:

1. Assume good intention from the person who's speaking.  The feedback giver cares, that's why they are going out on the limb and sharing feedback with you.  If they didn't care, in general, they wouldn't bother. 
   
2. Be open - have the self confidence and security to assume good intention between you the receiver, and the feedback giver.  In general, if it's family or a close friend, they aren't trying to make you feel bad and they aren't saying you are a bad person.  Are they feeling hurt/confused/upset by your actions?  What actions specifically?  What actions can you take to address it?  Why are they bringing the issue up? 
   
3. Kick the ball back and forth - I think I first heard/saw this imagery when I listened to a talk by Dr. Gottman (who is amazing btw).  It's exactly the way I'd picture a healthy dialogue to happen between two respectful people.  I say, "I don't like waiting for more than 10 minutes."  You say, "I really have trouble with keeping track of time".  I say, "when people are late, I feel like they don't value my time."  You say, "I value you.  I should get a watch."  I say, "What about using the timer/alarm clock on the cell phone more often?"  You say, "Oh yea, good idea".  I say, "Thanks for caring." ---> easy, breezy, pleasant kicking the "ball" back and forth.  No character attacks.  No self-deprecating implosion.  No drama.  It's okay to respond with clarifying questions: "why is that?", "why do you think that?", "what would you like to see happen?"  DO NOT respond with, "I'm an awful person and you shouldn't bother waiting for me", "Fine, I don't value your time", "Fine, whatever, I don't care", "I shouldn't have bothered showing up", "Whatever, you're not always on time", "You're so perfect, I am garbage", ...  Contempt and defensiveness = that's a lose-lose game always in the world of relationships.