fear of commitment

It is an understatement when I say, I am afraid of commitment.  Majorly afraid.  And by commitment, I mean, taking on dependencies like relationships or employers.  I go into each situation involving "commitment" usually with a very clear idea of how long this or that particular chapter is going to last.  Time box it up.  3 months.  2 years.  6 months.  ...  I thought I was completely done with dependencies last summer when I parted ways with my last employer.  Good-bye!  Freedom!  I can finally breathe!  No more - it was going to be me, myself and I!  I can do it!  I am charging forward and taking on the world, it's do or die!!!!

Since July 2010, I've been 100% freelancing, picking up work here and there, working passionately on my own aspirations and projects... 1099 is awesome, bring it on!  I like the time I get in between contracts/projects to work on my own passions.  It's an awesome way to live (for me).  Right after the new year, January 2011, I put up a post on LinkedIn saying that I'm available for freelance contracts/projects.  When I did that, I had no idea that my life would change in a few weeks in an unexpected direction.  Two weeks after putting up that post, I had a slew of interviews, contract job offers, and opportunities.  (And seriously, if you're looking for work - I now believe one of the best resources is that innocent-laid-back-status update on LinkedIn that'll be most helpful...)  And in the midst of freelance contract offers left and right, ... Logic20/20 came into the picture. 

You never know where life's going to take you. I met with a bunch of the Logic20/20 guys - they all seemed nice, intelligent, well-intentioned, ...  a little badass, too.  I'm expecting negotiations around a freelance 1099 contract.  They came and said, "we want you to join us fulltime".  Really?  Seriously?  I'm not the corporate full-time employee put me in a box and make me conform type.  Funny - apparently Logic20/20 has a name for people like me who have big dreams and aspirations, who refuse to conform to the corporate mold, and who continue to be that nail that sticks out.  (Yea, I stick out - and I get hammered by employers, usually).  "Misfits".  Apparently certain "Misfits" are encouraged to join and welcomed in this company.  How's that possible?  I've been with them exactly one month now - and it actually might be possible.  Imagine that - a company that might actually walk the talk.  They say they want to grow me, mentor me, help me get where I want to go.  They say they can help me become a bigger better leader.  ...  And ...  I actually see the possibility of that happening!  The leadership - they are smart, they get their hands dirty and into the details, they are on the ground building relationships, they seem to sincerely care about clients/employees as humans and people (not just dollar signs), they are forward thinking, they invest in interesting and smart ways, they understand that business drives technology,  ...  This place, Logic20/20, is very interesting to me.

As for commitments, ...  this may be the first time in my career where I have no idea how long my stay at this company will be.  I have no set time box around how long or short I will stay in this job with this employer.  (And usually, as with relationships, I see the end before I even start - aka the time box.)  ...  This might be a good thing - going into a relationship with my employer with no expectations, no limits, no lines...  only possibilities, responsibilities to do the right thing and do it well, and aspirations to make my dreams come true.  They actually want to help me achieve my dreams/goals, for me.  Amazing. 

When I'm ready, I'm going to try this in my relationships with love - go into them with my heart open to the possibilities, doing the right thing and doing it well, ... and aspirations on making dreams come true.  No more time boxes, limitations, ... and expectations (at least of the "shooting in the foot" kind).