[guest post by dae] dude, where'd you go?

this is for the guys. 

i have never heard any of my friends articulate the following theory.  i came up with it after observing my friends.  i also have some personal experience that backs up this theory, because sometimes life just doesn't turn out the way you think it will.  below are what i think are the two reasons why you won't see your buddies anymore after they get married.

reason #1: you don't see your friend any more because he is miserable and unhappy.  he probably doesn't have anyone to turn to.  he is trapped in a bad marriage.  hanging out with his buddies might even be forbidden.  the absence of your friend who has gotten married is a natural byproduct of a bad marriage.  generally, one of the taboo aspects of a bad marriage is that a person can't really talk about it with the former family (former family = parents, siblings, etc).  his siblings and parents will immediately take his side and the wife becomes the evil one (whether she deserves it or not).  if he talks to his former family about his wife negatively, then it will only divide his new family (new family = him + his wife).  he can't talk about his problems with his friends because they will also take his side.  maybe his friends will be diplomatic and try to give good neutral advice.  but overall, you will be put in an awkward position if you ever hang out as a couple with your friend and his wife because you will know their dirty laundry.  and if you are an unmarried person, you will be shocked at how much time and effort it takes to be in an unhappy marriage.  all of your friend's spare time will be spent fighting, or mending their marriage, in front of a marriage counselor, or reading books to try and fix his bad marriage.  your friend simply will not have the time to hang out with you like he did before.  all his spare time will be preoccupied with working on his bad marriage.

reason #2: you don't see your friend any more because they are happy!  he spends all his spare time with his new wife because they have common interests and activities.  he genuinely likes talking to his wife and spending all his spare time with his wife.  when he gets off work, he can't wait to go home to his new wife to hang out with her.  the absence of your friend who has gotten married is a natural byproduct of a good marriage and ideally, his new wife is the person who will be with him for rest of his life.  you should be EXTREMELY HAPPY for your dear old friend.  in this scenario, your buddy is moving on into the next stage of a typical guy's life.

already, look up above.  reason #1 even took more explanation than #2!

i once heard a pastor say "a good marriage takes a lot of time and effort.  a bad marriage takes even more time and effort."  i thoroughly believe that.  so in summary, it might sound too simple, but the reason why you don't see our buddy anymore after he got married is because he is  either #1 miserable or #2 happy.  that's it.  and you probably will never really know the complete truth until it all unwinds in a divorce, or you find that his marriage endures happily forever as long as you know him.  if he is caught in a bad marriage, you cannot count on your friend to tell you the truth.  the lie is not malicious.  don't take it personal.  It's just the sad way he has to exist temporarily.  he might say life and marriage is good until you suddenly find out they are getting a divorce.  so they lied to you!  it was partly their pride that probably wouldn't let him admit to a failed marriage.

and your friend who is in a good marriage will also tell you life and marriage is good!  (surprise! - it's the same statement your friend who is in a bad marriage will say).  and only until a very, very long period of time has passed will you know whether he was telling the truth the whole time.  the test of time is the only reasonable way you can remove the doubt that he is truly in a happy marriage.  one of my all time favorite lines: you can hide crazy for a little while, but you can't hide it forever!

-dhy

---