Making decisions whilst drowning in ambiguity and chaos.

Yes - that describes what it's like to be a founder and CEO of a startup.  That also describes what it's like to do a tokensale, an ICO, or anything in this new complex-business model blockchain "stuff".   

Making decisions whilst drowning in ambiguity and chaos holding a newborn baby in one hand and the Empire State Building in the other hand while balancing on a tight rope standing completely buck naked in front of the mob in a crowded stadium.

That's more like what life has been like the past 12 months and continues to be like for me personally.  It's surreal.  Time is moving both so slowly and at "warp" speeds at the same time.  Most of the time when I'm in a meeting, I am constantly having this "out-of-body" experience that allows me to walk around in the room mentally, while at the same time sitting in the chair and experiencing the meeting firsthand.  Surreal.  Sometimes my ghost body gets "stuck" in the physical body, where I'm trapped, blind, and suffocating.

There are also many times when it's just really tough.  Working with white spaces and green companies, we don't usually have a playbook of best practices to look to.  We don't have a board (of advisors or investors) to turn to on speed dial that can provide wisdom and a sounding board.  And when a company is growing so fast moving through the stages of its evolution in weeks and months, rather than years - without realizing it, many of the things that a company does actually is setting precedent for its future.  Forever.

In moments of really tough decisions, I play the scenario in my head over and over and over.  It's me on professional judgment day.  I'm standing before a jury of my professional heroes and heroines like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, Meg Whitman, Peter Thiel, Ben Horowitz, Steven Sinofsky, Mary Barra, Sarah Imbach, Jeffrey Friedberg, and many more.  It's really important to me that I can look at myself in the mirror, and also picture myself standing before the jury of heroes and heroines.  I look for "defensible", logical, and figuring out what is the real intent of the decision that makes sense - and then look to what kind of precedent that it will set for the forever future for our employees, our culture, our advisors, our communities, ... and most importantly, our society.  Humanity.

And so, that is the state of where I am today - mentally standing before the professional jury.  

​And fighting daily to find "space".  Got tips?

--Arry

I pushed and pulled and fought as hard as I could to create something out of nothing.  I met some very talented and inspiring people along the way.  Thousands to people were part of this journey, and I could not have gotten anywhere as far as we did without everyone.

• Advisors like Gina Cuff and Hoon Kong.  Advisors that also personally invested themselves into the company like: Jonathan Sposato, Barbary Brunner, and Rob Adams.  Even informal ones like Leo Novsky and Travis Jones that helped me navigate those tumultuous waters.  I worked for Logic20/20 from 2011 to 2014, and they have continued to support me even after leaving the company in ways that I will forever be grateful for - Thank you Christian, Ellen and Travis for everything.  
• Investors like Gary Rubens, Heather Redman, Rebecca Nordlander, and Rudy Gadre that go above and beyond with the quality time they spend with you.  Gary would take me out to hit golf balls for hours while coaching my golf swing and my business acumen.  Heather Redman would take me to go get our nails done.  Barbary who would take the phone call day or night, within hours of needing help.  Man, I remember the day Rebecca called me and said, "I woke up this morning and decided I'm wiring you money.  Go out there and make it happen!"  She's awesome.   Rudy, heart of gold and one of the best brains out there.
• Past employees, founders and team members like Stuart Owen, Christie Tarazon, Sean Zhong, Gina Cuff, Melissa Glidden, Arianna O'Dell, Hoon Kong, Jon Peck, and Valentine Gunko.  So many memories.  The other co-founders: Stuart is raw talent and incredibly smart.  Christie not just talented, but my goodness, one of the strongest women I know.  What Christie endured and pushed through during that first year is super human stuff.
• Lawyers like Lee Schindler and Adam Phillipp.  They are absolutely my go-to humans when on a startup journey and would not go anywhere else.  
• Accelerators and incubators that gave us a shot like 9Mile Labs and 500 Startups.  500 Startups where all of this startup theory really landed.  Hard.  Very pregnant.  So much truth and learning.
• Family and friends that helped give us hope, especially when times were REALLY tough.  Susan L. who surprised me with gifting requests and proactively gave so much insightful feedback.   
• Partners like butter LONDON, and B&H Photo Video that went above and beyond to help give the business shape and life.  B&H Photo Video Yosef called me days after our first ad-hoc meeting and gave me tips that ultimately gave birth to our beautiful business model.  Oh, and Stacy Kincaid who worked with us during the Providence Health relationship.  Really good people left and right.
• Most importantly, my husband, @luggagedonkey.  He covered so much on the family and home front, with our baby, my in-laws, my mother, my brother, everything.  And he cheered me on so fiercely, there's no doubt that he's my co-founder in anything I do in life.  The best kind of co-founder one could ever ask or pray for.

Spring to Summer of 2016 was really hard.  I thought I could be superwoman, having just given birth to my Lentil - that with the help of my awesome team, we could pull through this together.  Deep post partum depression.  I spent the summer of 2016 in a deep depression.  Deep despair.  My husband often had to peel my salty existence off the floor and into bed.  I did not feel like I even deserved to be alive.  I often thought the world, my husband, Lentil, everyone would be better off without me.  A waste of space.  Unworthy of the air I took in.  I looked at the sweet innocent face of Lentil and would end up crying because I felt I did not deserve to be his mother.

My advisors and investors starting sitting down to give me the "talk" in 2016.  They told me it was okay - to close it down and give them the write-off.  They told me to get going on the next startup because that one was the one they wanted in on.  I tried for one last hurrah in the fall of 2016, with my "AJ" by my side (thanks to my investors, especially Rudy, for giving me that one last swing at the ball).  Fall of 2016 was not the season of generosity and giving.  Power was changing hands - and the air was filled with emotions between the Clinton versus the Trump camps.  

​January - March 2017 I spent most of it on the verge of tears or crying my face off or finding a place to belong.  I'd be fine, and then while brushing my teeth with my husband in the bathroom, I'd tear up.  Standing in the kitchen I'd tear up.  I tried to get "out there" and involved in the community to pick up my spirits.  I tried to do this "Red Scarf" thing which was all about giving it forward to another woman entrepreneur.  I spent a bit of time doing office hours.  I put together events.  I volunteered to help the Riveter launch.  I did consulting on the side.  I advised any startup that came our way.  I really wanted to help this tiny little startup company called CakeCodes (which later became Storm and one I am part of today).  

And here we are.  May 2018.  I should really have called it quits back in the Winter of 2015/Spring of 2016.  I definitely should have in the Summer of 2016.  I absolutely should have sometime in 2017.  It is now officially May.  We are in the first week of May 2018 and I am finally officially and publicly - calling it done.  

Hope this post helps someone out there.  If you ever want to talk, please do not hesitate to reach out to me.  It is so lonely being an entrepreneur, a founder, in startups, being a founder CEO, raising funds, doing the grind, having employees, figuring out how to be a mom as a founder, all of it.  The emotional depression and the depth of despair that one experiences is so great, I wonder how many of us are suffering silently. 

Hugs to you out there trying to change the world.

​--Arry
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