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ArryinSeattle

I love @LuggageDonkey | Mom of 3 | Operator | Writer | #Startups | Chair of the U.S. Blockchain Coalition | @Cornell | Speak Truth

motherhood is hard

3/25/2017

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Motherhood is hard.  There's so many changes that I've gone through to list, and while not everyone has the same experiences, here are mine (not in any particular order of importance).  

Motherhood is hard:
  1. The obvious physical changes like your whole body expanding, and then shrinking (hopefully back to pre-pregnancy weight).  
  2. Your feet change size - and sometimes, never shrink back.  Mine grew a whole size and I cry (just a little) inside every time I see the shoes I can no longer wear. ... oh well.
  3. Hair loss after the birth of your baby and also the crazy baby hairs that grow afterwards.  To know and learn how to manage your hair is a new process again.
  4. Emotional and hormonal - the lack of sleep, the lack of being able to eat/drink as you want, and the powerful hormones that are or aren't in your body make living complete chaos.  
  5. There are significant changes to your family dynamics.  It's everything including how "moms" (your own mother, your mother-in-law, any relative that's also a mom) relate to you and/or express their opinions of motherhood.  
  6. Marriage dynamics are a big one.  It's complete survival mode and you have this completely new fascinating baby in front of you.  It's hard to feel sexy or in the mood.  It's a mystery about how to even coordinate a date night.  I love this man I've co-created life with.  I love seeing him as a father.  He's even more attractive to me now.  And I miss the life we had when it was just the two of us.  I do like our life as mom and dad.  
  7. Priorities completely change.  That career you were completely leaning into and driving before takes a major hit.  I can't show up to the events and meetings on a whim I used to.  My life's interests have changed.  How I see the world has changed.  If I have spare time, which I force myself to take (not that I really technically have it), I'd rather sip wine or Lillet with my husband, cuddle longer with my baby, or be completely alone.
  8. My relationship with myself has gone through a rollercoaster.  A lot of it was the lack of sleep and the hormonal changes.  I definitely had postpartum depression, with thoughts of ending my life.  I used to see myself only as unstoppable and strong.   I now see myself as many other adjectives: kind, depressed, empathetic, apathetic, beaten, aloof, charismatic, tired, and introspective.  
  9. My relationship with money/resources is different, too.  I think I'm much more practical today, than before having a baby.  I think about how it relates to and will impact the system.  I'm applying this frugal practicality to everything, from how I spend money daily to how I plan for it.
  10. And finally, the societal judgement that comes with motherhood.  I've had investors tell me to my face that I'm probably a horrible mother.  I've been lectured that I am wrong to still want to go out to make an impact outside the home right now.  People ask me daily, "how do you do it?"  I sometimes wonder if that question is really, "why do you do it?"

Often, I'll share and say something like, "wow, motherhood is hard".  You learn a lot about who people are with the responses.  Now having been in this for over a year, I've noticed a most definite pattern.  I will always get one of two responses to that question.  They go something like this:

Supportive fellow human being:
A) Yes.  My gosh I can (or cannot) imagine.  With the follow up of, let's go grab some coffee or I'd love to share more with you on this journey.  I want to show you that you are not alone and I am here to feel shoulder-to-shoulder in life with you.  I want you to know that it'll be okay.   

Judging oppressive human being:
B) Of course it is.  And, isn't motherhood the most rewarding thing you've ever done?  Isn't it completely and totally worth it?  There's only one right answer here and you better say it.  Motherhood is amazing and that's the only thing any mother should ever say.  Ever.  Because it is completely worth it.  

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We get to be the guardian of a brand new fresh pure amazing human life, to guide him (or her) to grow up to be a kind, generous, strong, empathetic, respectful and respected adult.   It is hard work.  Both ideas can exist. 

--Arry
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Looking under the hood

3/18/2017

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Quality.  It's about the thoughtful thinking that went out before anyone did any execution.  It's not just about sexy branding, pretty pictures or cool technology.  

There may be something off about my approach.  I'm open to that feedback.  Former bosses have told me that I am very critical and hard to please, and that I am too demanding of people.  While I've worked very hard to be more flexible, and accommodating of people over the years...   

However, I still believe to get the real essence of understanding the quality of work being completed - there has to be some level of unprompted test-driving that needs to be done to assess the quality of the work being produced.  My current process: 1) Generally, I enjoy discussing and sharing to create the desired outcome/goal of what we are about to do (pick a random side project, small short term goal, whatever).  We agree on something.  Then 2) on top of any action items I take away, I always stress that I am available to do whatever else is needed to help, support, work, give feedback.  Literally.  Whatever it takes to reach that goal.  I will do.

Very few people take me up on that offer.  Very few.

It's a weird "weed-out" move that showcases the ones that will thrive and succeed (in whatever they decide to pursue), and those that will not.  

Those that thrive:

 1) Reach out - proactively with status updates, quick check-ins to triangulate and see if we're still aligned with what the outcome/goal/vision was.  They ask to meet up and trade notes on progress.  They ask for me to do some of the work.  They ask for feedback.
2) Build a top-down plan on how they are going to accomplish the goal.  Sort of a process map or framework.  
3) Get to it.  Literally, they start brainstorming ideas filling in the steps needed to accomplish the goal.  It starts to work, or it doesn't.  What's important is that we know one way or the other, with real data.  

Most people don't do anything at all.  Nothing.  I never hear from them.  Silence.  Weird, to me.

Others, they just start doing without any sort of planning.  No strategy at all.  Maybe they'll ping me to get me to do some part of what I had previously agreed to do.  ...  And then, they do.  We might sync up randomly, only to find, they have been just mindlessly executing towards the end goal, not thinking at all about the process to get to that end goal.  Also, weird, to me.

No matter what project, goal, program, initiative, job --- take the time to look under the hood and figure out if there is a high level plan, strategy, outline, hypothesis, ...  anything.  It'll literally show you if what they say they are doing, is really what they are doing.  In most cases, they are not doing, or they are what I call, "spinning".  Quality is not just about the outcome.  

Quality involves the thoughtful journey and process. (This includes having a: Framework.  Diligence.  Records.)

--Arry
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international women's day 2017

3/8/2017

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Happy international women's day 2017

Happy international women's day 2017.  Maybe happy isn't the right word.  I'm observing this day.  I don't know if we should quite be celebrating.  The state of humanity is teetering on the edge of being truly broken.  I don't know about wearing red, marching, resisting, or any of that.  What I do know is the following actions we can do each and every day to honor women, respect women, and be respected as women.

18 Ways to celebrate women and each other on International Women's Day 2017:
  1. Be kind.  For humans, it is "harder to be kind than clever".   
  2. Listen with empathy.  Understand, than speak your opinion.
  3. Go wide than decide.  Check your perspective, where is your mind and heart as you speak/think?   We are way too quick to judge.  Even quicker to speak.  
  4. Start with gratitude.  Like our parents likely taught us, say please and thank you.  Don't take people and blessings for granted.
  5. Change starts with you.  The only thing you can really change is yourself, your attitude, your heart and your actions.  Have an opinion?  You, do something first.  People won't follow if you are not walking the talk.
  6. Give it forward.  Let's take "pay it forward" further, take action in making the world a better place.  Wish someone had done something for you/another?  Take a moment to do something kind, helpful, supportive for someone else.  No ask in return.  Just because.
  7. Slow down.  Yes, slow down.  Humans are not meant to send 150 emails a day, read 300 emails, facebook, tweet, text, voicemail, drive, eat hopefully, exercise, write a blog, be in meetings, all in a day.  Not even a quarter of that.  Does this all really matter?  Live a good life.  
  8. Respect quality.  Good quality services, products and food.  Thank you business for not abusing child labor or 3rd world laborers.  Thank you farmer for taking the more challenging route of using less chemical pesticides.  
  9. Respect life.  Pay respect to the earth for the resources we get to use.  Thank you trees for paper and our buildings.  Thank you animal for your bones, meat and leather.  Thank you plants for our air.   
  10. Effort does count.  Recognize the intent and effort being put out by people.  Sometimes, it's not just the result that matters.  Hard work counts, a lot.
  11. Coach and mentor.  At every step of the way in life, we are each responsible for being coaches and mentors to others.  This isn't a responsibility for those with titles or millions in the bank.  A third grader coaching a first grader.  A manager mentoring a peer.  A husband mentors a wife, and vice versa.
  12. Sharing is caring.  You have an extra $10 or 100?  Treat your friends to a round at happy hour.  Buy a hot meal or a blanket for the homeless guy sitting on the street corner.  Buy lunch for a friend.  Don't go to the grave with millions in the bank.  Take care of others.  
  13. Sincerely promote women.  Women don't do enough of this for each other.  Men don't do enough of this for women.  Promote women that are out there teaching, raising our future generations, fighting in the battlefields of entrepreneurship, speaking to crowds, writing books and blogs, working in nonprofits, raising money for good, and all of the acts of service for others.
  14. Invest in women.  No.  I do not mean only money.  That's a small piece of the puzzle.  Invest in women by spending quality time with a woman - share a coffee and hear her thoughts and struggles.  Set up time to work shoulder-to-shoulder with her on her most important challenges.  Answer her phone calls.  Give her REAL FEEDBACK (don't couch it, don't soften it, don't filter it.)  
  15. Build bridges.  Reach out to someone you haven't spoken to in awhile.  Try a phone call or Facetime or Skype.  Grab coffee.  Go see a movie.  Do a GNO (girls' night out).  Make brunch plans.  CONNECT heart to heart.
  16. Love our children.  Smile when you see one walking by on the street.  Let's teach our young boys to treat other boys and girls with kindness.  Let's teach our young boys and girls to respect their own bodies and speak kindly about other people's bodies.  Let's each walk the talk in how we talk about and treat our own bodies and look at others.
  17. Show you care.  Send a note.  Give a hug.  A REAL HUG, both arms around that person.  Say thank you.  Smile.  It's okay to care.  Let's stop being the world of the walking dead.  Let's take the time to care in our own ways.
  18. Take a little risk.  Live a little.  Smile (and if the other person doesn't smile back, you did).  Call someone (and if they don't call back, you did).  Want to be a designer, draw something today and start designing.  Don't wait.  
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