This post was written on November 11, 2013.  Read it again just now.  It's a somber feeling still...  like a dull pain.  Thanks for sharing this journey with us and for all of your support. 

Love,
Arry
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A whole long week of angst and worry went by after that experience on October 22, 2013.  It was a long week.  I ate extra.  I slept a lot.  I avoided all stress.  ...   Somehow I thought I could fix it.  If I worked hard enough, that everything would be ok.

Going through our version of our experience, for us, our seedling only lived for 7 weeks, and affected us in so many ways.

After that first shocking doctor visit (on October 22, 2013), my husband and I went to the ultrasound specialists on October 29, 2013.  They spent a good half hour doing a very thorough exam and despite all of our prayers and positive wishful thinking, we got the same news.  It was still hard hearing that second time.  They sort of walked us through the reasoning, ...  I'm not sure, it didn't really sink in.  On October 30th, 2013, we went and saw another very well recommended OB doctor.  They spent a good long time looking at the ultrasound and for the final third time, gave us the same dark news.  This time, the evidence made sense as they slowly walked us through what was going on: no heartbeat.  No chance of heartbeat.  Baby had not grown in size from last week.  No blood flow at all.  No movement.  ...  I couldn't help thinking, I should have tried harder...

On October 30th, 2013, we decided to move forward with the D&C procedure, without the general anesthesia.  I know... crazy.  In hindsight...  completely.  I do not recommend doing it that way...  My reasoning, was that 1) I hate hospitals, 2) I'm wary of general anesthesia, 3) I wanted to be conscious during the procedure, 4) because I thought it would help with the healing process (emotionally and mentally), and 5) I didn't want to wait "x?" weeks for it to happen unplanned the natural way.  We did the procedure the same day.  Took a pill to get the process going.  Took a couple pain killers an hour before.  Took some Advil right before the procedure.  She injected to large shots of the local anesthesia inside of me... and then the procedure began.  Let me stress - don't ever do or advise a friend to do this without the general anesthesia.  Never.  If you have a choice and you decide to do a D&C, always go to the hospital and always get the general anesthesia.  The most horrific pain I could have ever imagined.  My husband held my hand the whole way through.  I spent the evening of October 30 in pain and it was about a week later (November 6) where everything in my body seemed to mostly work again.

My husband and I are planning to have a mini service for the seedling that didn't make it soon.... 

That's it for today. 
xo,
Arry

This post was written on October 24, 2013.  I appreciate sharing this recent miscarriage journey with you...  especially with the last few posts, it's been really helpful for me to share, let go, and repair emotionally.  Actually, re-reading this post today makes me a little somber - I can hardly believe it's been a little over two months since this all happened.  Remembering the shock of it all...  It was a very rough September - December 2013 this past year. 

Today... we are stronger from the experience.  For that, we are thankful for each other and the gift it is to live everyday a part of something so wonderful, through both the good and hard times.  So lucky to be married to my husband...

Love,
Arry
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On October 22, 2013 - my husband and I went in for our very first OB appointment for our baby.  I was so excited. SO EXCITED!  I made a lunch box at home for both of us and brought it to my husband at the appointment. I got there 15 minutes before the appointment.  By our calculations, we were thinking baby was 7 weeks, 3 days old.  The first half hour was not too bad - we did paperwork, and more paperwork, we met with the nurse that walked us through packets and pamphlets and papers.  SO EXCITED!  I got weighed and measured.  They took a urine sample (my guess is to verify that I am really pregnant.  And you know my story, I took the pregnancy multiple times to be extra sure.).  We met the doctor briefly for about 5 minutes where she gives us a very super high level overview and introduces herself.  She says by my LMP, I should be at 10 to 10.5 weeks along now.  She explains the whole cycle of the egg and how the calculation is made.  We're pretty sure the baby is NOwhere near 10 weeks.  This isn't math - it's nature.  ...

Then we get to what we think will be the good stuff... we do the trans-vaginal ultrasound.  My husband has got his new iPhone 5S (a big deal that he has an iPhone) out ready to take photos of the screen.  About 5 seconds in, the doctor made a funny sound - a concerning sound.  OH G-D... NO....  She clears her throat and restarts the ultrasound.  And the again, concern on her face.  She blurts out, "there's no heartbeat.  There should definitely be one by now, you're past 10 weeks!" .... Uh... say what?  OH G-D... NO.... Then she measures the embryo, and says it looks like it's only 7 weeks along and isn't growing.  PLEASE...  Then she says she needs to get a second opinion and runs to get another physician in.  HOLD ON HERE....  The other doctor comes in awkwardly, stands in the far corner as she redoes the ultrasound in a hurry.  He glances at the screen and says, yes, there is no heartbeat.  WOA...  By 10 weeks you should definitely be able to see a heartbeat.  Sorry about that.  He walks out.  I'm sorry, are you a doctor?  A HUMAN BABY DOCTOR?  WHY ARE WE RUSHING AROUND HERE?  CAN SOMEONE SLOW DOWN AND CONSIDER THAT MAYBE IT'S NOT 10 WEEKS?  OR MAYBE, REDO THE ULTRASOUND A LITTLE BIT MORE SLOWLY AND A LITTLE BIT MORE THOROUGHLY?  SOMEONE HELP US!  WALK WITH US...   No... No... Apparently not.

She asks me to redress and that she'll come in and give us our options.  My husband and I are in shock.  Tears running down our faces.  What the hell is going on?  What just happened?  I mean SERIOUSLY?  My body says nothing's wrong - I've had no fall, no injury, nothing out of the ordinary since the start.  No bleeding, no miscarriage symptoms at all.  So confused.

So the doctor returns and says we have to options.  She believes the baby has been dead for at least 2 weeks now because the embryo looks to be about 7 weeks, and should be at 10.  She says I can continue to wait to miscarry naturally for about a week - HOWEVER, the issue is that she's going on vacation starting Wednesday, so she won't be around to help next week.  She recommends a D&C to remove the baby.  Oh, and since she's going on vacation, the only available time slot is this week, tomorrow in fact, at 7AM.  Wait, what did she say?  I JUST FOUND OUT THAT YOU THINK THE BABY IS DEAD AFTER DOING TWO 5 SECOND ULTRASOUNDS, AND NOW YOU WANT ME TO ABORT THE BABY FIRST THING TOMORROW MORNING AT 7AM TO ACCOMMODATE YOUR VACATION SCHEDULE???  .... You gotta be kidding me.  HELL FUCKING NO WAY. 

Yea.  I'm angry.  My husband and I are devastated.  We are worried and sad.  UPSET.  DEVASTATED.  We cry when we leave the office.  We cry in the elevator lobby.  We cry in the car.  I decide to pull myself together and go into the office for a few hours to finish up some work.  My boss makes a small joke about babies (harmless one), and I start sobbing at work.  ...  He says I need to take some time off to regroup - and so I do.  Sob more at home, sob myself to sleep, sob when I wake.  ...  Crying.  Sorrow.  Confusion.  Heartbreak.  Sadness.  ...  And then, it dawns on me.  NO WAY we're doing a D&C this week.  NO WAY.  I need a second opinion from another doctor who'll hopefully take the time to be thoroughly sure before telling us to abort the baby.   I schedule an appointment for next week - one more week, our baby will have more time to grow.  We're not giving up on you little one.

So... baby, hang in there.  Focus on growing.  I'll keep taking vitamins, eating well and resting plenty.  I'm reducing all stress.  I got a massage today.  I'm getting a haircut.  I'm napping.  Next week, hoping for some more light and maybe even some good news.  It's going to be a long 7 days for us.

xo,
Arry

This post was written on October 6, 2013.  It's been about 3 months since the miscarriage...  and it seems all like a dream.  Like it never happened... I know it did, but it's completely surreal.  Life is happily back to normal.  My husband and I dined out over the weekend enjoying cocktails.  I wore a fun dress with stilettos.  I haven't lost any weight, but I'm not at all trying to.  ...  I'm scared about having to go through it again --- for those that get pregnant completely ignorant of what the real pregnancy experience is like, it's better that way.  The fairy tales of carrying around an adorable baby bump, that it happens oh so very easily, that morning sickness is just a little throwing up here and there, ...  It's true, "ignorance is bliss". 

Love,
Arry
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OMG.  This morning was apparently my first experience with morning sickness.  I've had a month long relationship with constant nausea - it's a pain in the butt to deal with.  I'm used to it now, it comes and goes.  I find that if I nibble all day long, I'm better.  I'm also thirsty all of the time (for those that know me, this is rare for me). 

Woke up this morning and suddenly, the room was spinning and my stomach was cramping. I breathed in and then gagged on the big gulp of air.  Lots of gagging as I ran to the bathroom.  Heaving.  Moaning.  Sweats, lots of sweats.  ...  After which, I crawled into bed with my husband and whimpered, "I think I'm dying". 

Seriously.  THIS is morning sickness?  THIS IS HORRIBLE!!!

Keeping my fingers crossed that this doesn't happen again... 
First doctor visit tomorrow.  Wish me luck.

xo,
Arry

This post was written on September 29, 2013.  Thank you to everyone that sent me notes after the first post last week - very encouraging to have your support.  In my head, I was imaging people reading the posts thinking to themselves "she is crazy for writing this".  ...  Encouraging to feel your support.

As I write this pre-commentary, it's sort of eerie to read the post below that I had written more than three months ago.  Since then, the indigestion and nausea is gone.  I don't listen to music these days - I prefer silence and/or nonfiction.  I'm still mostly vegan, and I no longer get sick when I do cheat with dairy or meat.  I'm a light sleeper now - everything seems to wake me up in the middle of the night.  I'm about ten pounds heavier than August 2013 and have not been able to shake off the acquired weight - I'm not that motivated to, either.  It doesn't seem like most people can tell anyways, thanks to the winter wardrobe.  I've been working on rebuilding and strengthening my body again (lots of fluids, nutrient rich food, more rest, less alcohol, ... just a whole lot more forgiving and kinder to myself with my body.)  I'm thankful for my husband, who is my place of gentle calm and comfort.

Love,
Arry
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Crazy... Crazy.... Crazy...  our baby Citrus Seed is now in its 5th week of life.  I look back on the past month and NOW EVERYTHING SEEMINGLY MAKES SENSE.

• Sudden dislike for my usual radio stations - and a strong preference for classical music specifically
• Constant nausea and indigestion.  I was downing Tums and eating baked potatoes to try and calm my stomach woes
• Exhaustion.  I've been going to bed sometimes at 8PM,  9PM, 10PM...  so tired lately
• Majorly (stress, majorly) tender boobs - it hurts to sleep, it hurts to move, it hurts to walk... 
• I've been buying animal prints lately (note, I don't wear animal prints) - snake skin, leopard print, zebra print
• I'm mostly vegan, and lately, I've been craving meat.  It's been driving me mad

Well, this is all in hindsight. 

I downloaded this clever app on my iPhone 5.  It's called "What to Expect when Pregnant" ---- very clever and helpful.  Week by week it walks you through the pregnancy process, what to expect, what to think about, what to prepare.  I've found it very helpful the past couple of weeks. 

I also find myself looking up everything on the web: what can I eat, what shouldn't I eat, how well should by meat be cooked, is sushi okay, what about raw oysters, is it safe to be scanned at the airport security, how often should I eat, how much weight gain is safe?....  the line of questions is just crazy.  I've gone from a person that is so carefree about life and food and safety to a person that auto-magically thinks about this stuff.  It's amazing what's going on in terms of the changes and the biggest change with the actual baby arriving hasn't even happened!

Next up... our first prenatal visit to the OBGYN. 

xo,
Arry

Happy new year, everyone! Thank you for being a part of the journey with me.

Hugs, Arry